(pain and desire are sisters)
.
I love desire in part because it is a compass into the self. Pain is like that, too - it gets right to the heart of things. To submit to desire is an act of service, even if only to the self. Desire begs obedience, like a ritual, an act of obedience that gives pleasure. One can not give up control of their desire to be compelled by the will of another without also satisfying that desire.
A paradox.
Like so many things in love and pain: a wish, a thing turn in on itself. Masochism demands restraint in proportion to desire. An awareness of limitation as much as a depth of passion. It requires an honest examination of the self, an active participation in the structures and forms of agony. In many ways, practising masochism in an ethical, stable and satisfying manner demands that we tame a restless and relentless desire.
of course...
almost not worth saying
Was it inevitable that I would be in pain because I desired it? chronic pain for a masochist? A kind of delicious sharp irony, maybe even if I'm being dramatic - a curse from a capricious god. Sometimes it is too sharp to touch. Did I make it somehow inevitable with my desire? Does masochism make it more survivable? Does chronic pain make desired pain more painful? Less? I can never know.
of course, of course,
almost not worth saying
Every instance of pain is different. Every moment it shifts and changes. No matter how it finds me, pain blooms, accumulates, becomes a vicious frantic flame, a hazy throb, a low static burn...it opens sometimes and begs to be explored.
Desire does all these things as well. It blooms like flowers and seasons - Desire and Pain resist comparison but are conceptually bound together. What is pain for most people but a desire for its absence? In both pain and passion, there are no ideal conditions. There was no part of me that I can hide from it, even when I want to.
but of course,
of course,
almost not worth saying at all...
