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Silencer ( not muted )

I often have a hard time sharing the things I make because the things I make will always be a little different, a little off, from what most people are expecting. Mostly I don't think about it, I move forward. On to the next thing. But sometimes I have to think about it, and maybe that's not a bad thing.

It's not only the slightly assertive artistic nature. It's the silence and point of view. Something people a lot of people don't know is that my editing and style, the choices that inform the final product are driven as much by disability as aesthetic and voice. There are ways as well - pose and braces and bandages in photos are all choices made for reasons beyond pure aesthetic . But voice is perhaps a strange word to use here because what I'm talking about them most is the silence. My complex relationship with sound.

But I also like it, because the more I think about porn and sound and how sound shapes and informs my experiences, Im beginning to think of the silence as part of the voice of the little films I make, part of what they have to say about my pleasure pain and sensations

So, why can't I moan for you ?

I don't discount the role sound plays in arousal. There are many ways I have used sound or its absence in a scene and I'm sure there are countless people for who my sound avoidance will be nothing but an absence, an oversight or mistake. it is impossible for most people to understand what it is like for me to hear anything at all, to listen to music or talk to someone in the rain. This is a small mirror or the many ways physical experiences are unreliable, difficult or impossible to communicate.

My lovers voice sounds like lust and desire, my future, a rough sound with a little gold. Their voice is sour, sweet and sometimes slow. It shines around the edges. They hold their breath before they come. Sound is a river, a structure. The way my brain processes auditory information means that for me sound is visual, complex, beautiful, but often overwhelming. Auditory Processing disorders are rare, especially as sever as mine, in adults and in women. They are often misdiagnosed as autism because of the related and similar symptoms and impact. The areas responsible for auditory processing require more energy, literally the brain burns the most calories when processing sound, and mine works twice as hard. It is impossible to edit sound with out a headache, impossible honestly to focus on it long enough to edit it well. So, I fill my videos with silence, in some ways it's as stark and loud, as close and personal as the sound of slap. This made silence is also why I like hard fast cuts, I feel like they build something in the empty space sound leaves behind.

I often cut it out just to narrow my focus to what I can control, so save sound from swallowing an entire day of energy on just three hours of audio, so I can use that energy for something at which I can succeed. Instead, I shoot. I can show you what the sound of my lover's voice feels like to hear, I can show you the motion of my chest and my mouth as I pant and moan.

The absence of the sound of these things, the way they make ones uncomfortable is me showing something too - its a little bit of honesty about the ever presence of perception, and all its flaws. Maybe that makes it less porn, but I have never really thought thats up to me to define anyway.

This doesn't mean I won't ever make anything with sound, I try sometimes, sometimes I get closer than others to what I think sounds the way a normal person would expect. I hope when I do use it, it is with the same intention as my silence.

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