When you're young, impressionable - though I hate to think that i was ever impressionable - while you learn what's acceptable and not, at some point you realize that you're not that, you either have to change or feel incorrect.
but change of this kind is mostly impossible, we don't choose our desires. and this doesn't imply that we don't examine them - but it does imply that a struggle against them is a struggle against the self, at times an obliteration of the self. a disconnection from the thing that desires. sexual or erotic desire is a difficult thing to talk about, in that statement alone is an entire lifetime of things to say.
Disconnecting from yourself to survive works only in the short term. Eventually, that survival is empty, confused about who you are, what you want and what's important to you. You may have dreams you think are silly and not placed in reality.
The truth is you need to take up space to see beauty, it takes self awareness, intelligence to see beauty in the world. there is no acceptable way to feel love to feel fully expressed and alive and confident. It takes a kind of kindness and acceptance of the self to see and accept what it is we want deeply. Connecting with desire means inviting the self back into your body. This is the best part. Pleasure is in as much as pain, as much as blood and spit. You don't have to create it but you do have to learn to feel it.